Craig Baldo Hates His Soulmate

Craig Baldo thinks it would really suck if your soulmate ended up being a total dickhead...Agreed



I think it's pretty funny how the older girls get the less specific the trait they'll use to identify their "one and only". When a girl hears the proverbial clock ticking standards start dropping faster than Halle Berry's baby weight and she settles for a guy with more hang ups than a cold calling licorice dental dam salesman...

"I think I found the ONLY guy for me today."

"How do you know?"

"He was waiting for the bus this morning, get this...With warm gloves on!"

"Amy, it's twelve degrees outside. Everyone is sporting warm outerwear. This nor'easter's hitting us harder than the last 10 minutes of "A Walk To Remember."

"Lick my kitty, Kim. He's the one, and you're so fucking jelly."

"Okay...So what else can you tell me about him."

"Well, he handed me a Long John Silvers pamphlet and, in a funny accent, said "Stop by for the sole, mate." It was right then that I knew he wanted me to come see him so we could commence our courtship."

"So you're in love with an Australian seafood promoter who bundles up in crisp weather?"

"Yes, that's right."

*PAUSE*

"Gotcha."

Speaking of which, has anyone seen this Long John Silvers commercial? It's bothered me for months...



How 'bout the bragging bitch who comes in to steal this poor bastard's thunder. The guy has made this dig his life's work and she weeble-wobbles over to inform him that his glorious discovery can be purchased at the local fish eatery for less than a buck? He should have gone reverse archaeologist on her over zealous ass and buried her in the jungle never to be seen again. Am I right? Am I right?

Then 10 years later her orphaned daughter will be on a similar dig deep in the backwoods, following in her mother's carbon footsteps. She'll stumble upon her late mother's brand of eyeliner under an ant hill. She starts digging, finds her entire skeleton, and our poor bastard from the commercial will skip over and say "Oh that's just a rack of bones. You can get them at the museum gift shop for free with a student I.D."

Fossilize the bitch...New phrase...Coined.

And congratulations to The Crack Up's lovely new "Dating Advice" columnist Shelly C. You've got questions, she's got answers. Fire away fuckers. A formal introduction will follow soon.