Louis C.K. Doesn't Know How To Suck A Bag Of Dicks

Absolutely hilarious stand up form Louis C.k. He does not know how to correctly suck a bag of dicks. I mean there's really no wrong way to suck a bag of dicks. Sucking a bag of dicks is like eating a Reeses. Although, those commercials were full of shit. Talk about ridiculous self assurance and unnecessary justification. "How racecar driver Billy Elliot eats a Reeses..."-- then a fucking pit crew comes barreling into the room shines his shoes, drills a hole in the couch, waxes the cushions and a hydraulic robot arm hands him a peanut butter cup. No Billy, that's EXACTLY THE FUCKING wrong way to eat a Reeses. As a matter of fact you couldn't POSSIBLY eat a piece of fucking candy in a more incorrect fashion. Throw it in your mouth and chew, let your pit crew get back to the goddamn track where there are cars blowing up and tires flying into throngs of innocent civilians so they can do their job maintaining a safe playground for toothless, redneck, cousin-fucking inbreds. Eat your flippin' treats on your own time.



I feel like sucking a bag of dicks would lead to a severe case of food poisoning. My girlfriend got food poisoning this weekend in Las Vegas. The biggest gamble she took in 48 hrs. was ordering a Chicken Paillard laced with suspect dessert crab meat. I gotta be honest, the balls on that girl for ordering such a dish are bigger than the smile on Shrek's face when that heinous swamp donkey Cameron Diaz turned into the hot piece of sea sick green, cave dwelling ass- Lady Shrek.

Throwing up is a violent activity. I mean the poor girl yacked up the what looked like the entire cast and crew of Salute Your Shorts. Things were comin' out of her that I had NEVER even seen before. At one point I glanced in the toilet and saw a postcard from Peru...That she had handwritten and addressed to her milk man!!! She later admitted to being a lactose intolerant hermit whose never even left the country. How do you explain that one? Talk about mystery meat. I just wanted to make it stop for her so badly because we've all been there, semi-comatose on the cold, unforgiving, judgmental tile floor staring at 3 pounds of our own tummy slop in the bowl.

But I did learn a very important distinction about the choreography of a man puke vs. a lady puke. Man: on knees holding toilet at an arms length like its a 5th grade dance. Lady puke is different. They get on their side like a goddamn mermaid posing for a knock off Speedo ad.

Why you would ever puke in that position is beyond me. But men are from mars and women are from Strange St. Love comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes its a 5 foot nothin' brown eyed beauty and sometimes its a surf and turf...and sometimes its a scarf and barf. But it's always a beautiful thing.