Amy Schumer Blacks Out

Ever the lovely lady, The CrackUps favorite female funny fuck, Amy Schumer lets us in on her awesome/questionable/downright dangerous drinking habits. She blacks out on the regular. I've recently RETIRED from blacking out. Hesitantly gave up my self proclaimed alias "The Power Outage" in order to get my life back together. My last two blackouts ended with 12 elbows bloodied, 11 pukes a poppin', 10 cunts a yellin', 9 guys a punchin', 8 abortions paid for, 7 crying parents, 6 morning runny assholes a shittin', 5 GOLDENNNN SHOWERSSSS, 4 bickering bitches, 3 frozen pizzas, 2 burning churches and A PISSED OFF AND OFFENDED GIRLLLLL-FRIENDDD!

Let's be honest though, Jordan came outta retirement and Favre came outta retirement and Rocky came outta retirement and..."Hi Atlas Liquors? Um, do you guys deliver?"

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Amy Schumer - Blackout Drunk
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It's not really the blackout that sucks, because getting there is ridiculously fun. It's the decisions we make during the blackout that usually end up haunting us until A) that disabled sea creature you woke up next too takes a hint and finally slithers outta bed to hit the bricks for her 4th walk of shame of the weekend or B) You just start drinking again.

I've seen some questionable decisions made by girls during their blackout state of mind, but none so questionable as the one made in 11th grade by Eunice Geller...Ahhh you never forget your first blumpkin...Poor Eunice, she was as blind as she was deaf. Heart of gold, hands of steel and a mouth like a pipeline capsule. Sure she groaned, and grunted and eventually fainted from the stench of my clench. But we were just a couple of kids, drinkin' Boones Farm Darks and soakin in the night sky...But hey, now we both have a great tale to tell...Although from what I've heard she tells it a little differently. All lies. Clearly. She may have not enjoyed it as much as I did, but you know what they say...Love stinks.