SVAY ROLUM, Cambodia — Hundreds of villagers flocked to a wedding ceremony Monday between a 16-foot (4.8-meter), 200-pound (90-kilogram) female python and her slightly smaller mate – both believed to be magic snakes that bring prosperity and peace. The two-hour ceremony in Svay Rolum village, 12 miles (20 kilometers) south of the capital Phnom Penh, ended with two Buddhist monks blessing the pair and villagers showering them with flowers as wedding music played. Most Cambodians, almost all Buddhists, also subscribe to animism – a belief that spirits can inhabit all sorts of living and inanimate objects. Whenever an odd animal makes an appearance, it is cause for the superstitious to celebrate. "We married these pythons to ask for health and prosperity in our village," said 41-year-old Neth Vy, owner of female python named Chamrouen.
"We were told (by fortunetellers) that the two pythons are husband and wife and they need to live together, and if we don't marry them we will meet bad luck," said Neth Vy, who found the then-tiny python while fishing 16 years ago. He said since the snake became part of the household, the family's living conditions had steadily improved and no misfortune had befallen them. The male python, named Kroung Pich, was caught 12 days ago by Hin Mao, a 44-year-old, childless woman who said she regarded it as her son.
What in the name of Wayne Newton's snatch is going on in Cambodia? Marrying snakes? Are you shitting me? I've seen some oddball nonsense in my day but this absolutely tops the charts on StupidShit-O-Meter. If these clowns actually think that uniting these serpents in holy matrimony is going to bring them a deluge of prosperity and good luck then I honestly can't do anything but sincerely congratulate them. Everyone knows ignorance is bliss, and this is just about as ignorant as you get. Thinking that your 17 year old daughter isn't out blowing the baseball team in an Arby's parking lot on a Friday night is less ignorant than marrying snakes for good luck. They gotta be the happiest culture alive, how can you even get mad at them? If I had to sit in the 160 degree heat in the jungle for a two hour ceremony where the bride took 40 minutes to creepily slither down the aisle and the groomsmen couldn't even make it because they were out inhaling possums and medium sized mice I would strap Lysol cans to my waist and pay an eager Craigslister to shoot flaming arrows at me. I don't know how these Cambodians do it. The patience on these guys.
I mean maybe it's not as crazy as it sounds. We believe in the "lucky rabbit's foot" for christ's sake, and that's about as big of a croc as shit as you get. I just hope snake marriage lasts longer than people marriage, because if we are any indication of what's gonna happen, then she'll take half his shit and leave him for a strapping, well traveled 29 year old cobra with a dick like a tire iron. I can just hear him bitching now:
"Can you believe it Ricky? CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT? She just up and leaves me for some creep half her age. God, everytime I think about it it just makes my skin crawl!"
"Actually Barry, you're just shedding."
P.S. How 'bout that bachelor party, huh? Were they the first crew to hit Vegas and actually opt for the desert land over the Strip? Sunbathe in the sand and digest a horse for 96 hours? Hell of a ripper.
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