When Trying To Impress Girls Takes A Turn For The Worst

Daily Mail - A British man is lucky to be alive after jumping off a 60ft-high wooden platform into just 5ft of water in a bid to impress some girls. The wooden platform had been erected to allow local fishermen to spot tuna fish at Kraljeva in Croatia – but was no longer in use. Vedran Bilic, a local man who witnessed the dive, said: ‘He said his name was David Wilson and he was from London, and he boasted to some girls that he could easily dive from the platform. When they laughed at him he climbed up the pole and really did dive.’ The Briton jumped off the tower and plunged clumsily into the water, hitting the surface with a sickening slap. Mr Bilic said: ‘I thought he would be crippled but he swam to the shore and ran off. ‘It must have hurt because he hit the water with a terrific whack as he wasn’t exactly a good diver.’ Indeed, it is his lack of diving skills that probably saved his life. A coastguard spokesman said he would have suffered serious if not fatal injuries had he entered the water head-first. Mr Bilic agreed, adding: ‘It was apparently the mother of all belly flops – it must have really hurt his private parts – but on the other hand if he had hit the water cleanly he would have cracked his head on the bottom and would not have survived. ’Instead it was just his pride that was injured.’

"It was the mother of all belly flops, it must have really hurt his private parts" is just about the best sentence I've ever read. "Hurt" is the understatement of the century. I'm surprised his nads weren't slung from their sack up into his body and shot out of his mouth like a couple of doves released at the grand opening of a national park. Raw genital devastation when this guy hit the water.

We've all done silly shit to impress girls before. I've swallowed a whole thing of Bubble Tape bubble gum to get Mary Kilway's attention (that was 6 years ago, which means in a year it will finally be fully digested, so I got that goin' for me). I've taken my Huffy off ramps that Travis fucking Pastrana would call certified death traps. I can't count how many carnival games I've failed at trying to win a 40 pound pink bear the size of my father. But I've never done something this ridiculous. Humpty Dumpty suffered less injuries than this clown. And Since when did jumping from suicidal heights become a panty dropper? What the hell did he think he was going to accomplish on the off chance that he nailed a perfect swan dive? They probably would have called him gay and left. It's a lose-lose. 1) You fuck up the jump and belly flop, you're in a full body cast getting spoon fed Dannon Light and Fit's, sipping penicillin from a helmet straw. 2) You light it up with an effortless, splash-free falcon dive, the chicks yell "nice dive homo, how did Greg Louganis's balls taste after he taught you that one?"

You want it impress a chick, then go out and do it the old fashion way like everyone else...Put spinners on your Accord, throw on an Affliction shirt and tell her her tits look "money". Putty in your hand...