Jesus Picture Hack Job

DM - A well-meaning octogenarian has stunned art experts after taking it upon herself to restore a treasured century-old fresco – with distinctly amateurish results. Elias Garcia Martinez’s depiction of Jesus has held pride of place in a Spanish church for more than 120 years. But over the past 18 months moisture in the church caused the fresco to deteriorate – prompting a local woman in her 80s to whip out her paintbrush and try and fix it herself. The elderly woman did not consult the Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza before she set about transforming the once beautiful depiction of Christ into something that now resembles a character from Planet of the Apes. The church is always open to the public and the woman had completed her botched restoration job before anyone noticed what she was doing.

"...a well meaning octgenarian" might as well be German for "a retarded fossil". Sure she was in her mid 80's, but how the hell could she fuck up so badly? I mean, all she had to do was touch ol' J.C. up just a tad and she ended up making him look like Gilbert Grape just got his wisdom teeth out. I've seen some brutal paintings before but this piece of shit belongs on a refrigerator, not in an ancient Spanish place of worship. This chick has gotta be Picasso's great, great granddaughter or something. The piss poor resemblance in their works is way to fucking obvious. All of his stuff looks like he was swallowed by a boa AND THEN decided to take up painting.



Just blatantly bad. You actually have to TRY to paint that badly. Poor Jesus looks like he's in the middle of a heat stroke. I can't tell if he's having a meaningful discussion with his disciples or struggling with his ABC's. I just feel bad for the guy who has to come in now and clean up her mess.

"I'm a fucking world-class painter not a high school art teacher. What the hell do you expect me to do with this? This shit is at the point of no return. You want me to take half this half-Gerard Butler, half cabbage patch kid painting and turn it into Christ? How much are you paying me again? Not enough, apparently. Jesus himself couldn't come down here and perform a miracle big enough to fix this shit."