Woman Raised By Monkeys? Sure, why not.

Daily News – Marina Chapman, a housewife from Bradford in northern England, claims she was kidnapped when she was 5 years old from her childhood home near Cucuta, Colombia, sometime in the 1950s and then abandoned by her captors in the jungle near the Venezuelan border. Her book, “The Girl With No Name: The Incredible True Story of the Girl Raised by Monkeys,” details how she took up with a group of capuchin monkeys and spent the next five years living with them as a pint-sized Jane of the Jungle. She learned to climb trees and caught birds and rabbits with her bare hands, her daughter told Australia’s Sunday Times. “I got bedtime stories about the jungle, as did my sister,” Vanessa James told the newspaper. “We didn’t think it odd — it was just Mum telling her life. So in a way it was nothing special having a mother like that.” Eventually, she was found by a group of hunters, who traded her to a brothel for a parrot. She was later taken in as a maid by a Colombian family, who brought her to Bradford for a business trip in 1977. She met a man named John Chapman, a former church organist and bacteriologist, at a church meeting, and they later married. Her daughters claimed Chapman raised them like little monkeys and kept insects and varmints around the house. “When we wanted food, we’d have to make noises for it,” James said. “All my school friends loved Mum as she was so unusual. She was childlike, too, in many ways.”


This lady has officially seen the Jungle Book one too many times. Sure, Mogley was a vivacious rascal dancing around in his loin cloth, singing the chorus to "bear necessities" on repeat like some kind of homeless broadway phenom, but that's Disney for christ's sake. This is real life, and in real life, monkeys don't know the first fucking thing about parenting. That's why they let their real kids huck their own poop around like some kind of shit shot put event. Negative 55 points in the discipline department.

How did her kids never call bullshit on any of her mularkey during those bedtime stories. If my mom was trying to put me to sleep with tales of her jungle adventures, swinging from branches and catching rabbits with her bare hands I'd absolutely call her a creep and kick her out of my room. "Monkeys, ma? Come on, I'm trying to fucking sleep here, you're scaring the shit out of me. What happened to "Mommy's gonna buy you a mockingbird" not Mommy's gonna catch you a mockingbird and decapitate it with her wooden knife."

I also don't buy that she was found in the jungle by a group of hunters and traded to a whorehouse for a parrot? WHAT the fuck is this lady talking about? I've seen some bad trades in my day but a young naked girl (equal to the value of pure gold in the bartering system) is worth way more than a loud mouthed bird. That's not rocket science. They must have found her, noticed she had 8 or 9 banana peels jammed up her ham wallet and decided that her trade value was intensely compromised:

"I'm not taking those peels out, boss."

"I agree, I can't even make you do it. That's gross. It's like those damned dirty apes used her as some kind of receptacle."

"Let's trade her"

"For what, a hug and stick of Bid Red?"

"A Parrot."

"Annnnnd Now I know now why I hired you!"


PS I made it through this whole thing without an AIDS joke. That's a moral victory.