The researchers behind the latest study say the asteroid shouldn't get any closer than 550,000 miles (890,000 kilometers) — about twice the distance between Earth and the moon.
"These were extremely difficult observations of a very faint object," the University of Hawaii's Richard Wainscoat, a member of the team of researchers monitoring 2011 AG5, said in a statement. "We were surprised by how easily the Gemini telescope was able to recover such a faint asteroid so low in the sky."
The real underbelly to this story is how fucking bittersweet this news is to the space nerds monitoring this monstrosity. You think they are jazzed about the fact that this thing isn't gonna be a direct hit? Absolutely not. They have gotta be sitting there cranking out Soduku's and knocking back Snapple's just waiting for this thing to make a move toward Earth. The neighborhood watch guy wants to see action. Boxers want to fight. Storm chasers want to literally dive inside a tornado. It's the nature of the beast. No matter what we are doing, we want some excitement. Sure, they look like heroes for delivering the news that we aren't gonna be smashed potatoes come 2040 but I don't buy for a second that a sick part of them wouldn't rather run to the white house and tell the president that this thing is on a direct collision course with mother earth. Scientists love that shit. Independence Day. Armageddon. They tell the highest authority the terrible news and the conversation will go like this:
"How much time do we have?"
"Well judging by the trajectory of the rock, the coordinates at which is currently resides in the spatial atmosphere multiplied by the--"
"Goddamn it man, how much time!??"
"13 hours and counting...sir."
"And then what?"
"And then (gulp) we pray...sir."
Got me thinking, who would be the team I assemble if I had to go to space like Harry Stamper in Armageddon, drill a whole to the core of an asteroid and blow that thing to owl shit. Here's the Fab 4.
1. Jude Law
It's inevitable that someone in the crew will perish on this trip, whether we succeed or not. Seeing as how Jude Law is a douche of the highest degree, I'd have him doing most of the guinea pig shit to keep the rest of us out of harm's way as much as possible. Space ship lands, he's the first one out. Dig the hole, he's the first one in. Hungry? He's the first one to try the freeze dried quiche.
2. King Trident
Tr
Pure power. One fucking zap from that trident of his and that 800 foot hole will be done with ample time to spare. We'll be sitting around with nothing to do for 4 days just drinkin' G&T's and talkin' about girls we fucked in high school. Zero gravity means it doesn't matter if he doesn't have feet, he'll just be floating around like a white bearded boss demolishing alien pussy and wielding that golden rod with the ease of an expert.
3. Mowgli
Kid was literally raised by wolves. That's badass enough to make the cut if you ask me. Killer instincts like a mother fucker. Scrappy. Not afraid to get dirty. Running around in that skimpy loin cloth is all the eye candy Jude will need to get by and shut him up. Plus he's used to living on the "bear necessities" which, let's be honest, is about all we're gonna have in space unless Trident brings all the hookers, blow, protein shakes, and rib-eye steaks that we're secretly all counting on but not comfortable enough with each other yet to feel entitled to.
4. Jessica Simpson
She's large enough to carry heavy objects and stupid enough to not even bother asking too many questions, because she won't understand what we're doing anyway. Also, I need someone to bang. Why aren't I bringing a supermodel, you wonder? Well in the case that we split the rock and save the world, but perish in the process I'm killing two birds. One less fat chick on planet earth and one less absurdly annoying celebrity with an eating disorder. You're all welcome.
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