Amy Schumer Obliterates Tyson at The Roast Of Charlie Sheen

Back to back Amy Schumer posts?...Um, abso-fucking-tootully-ootely. She creamed Mike Tyson at the Roast Of Charlie Sheen this last Monday night and there is literally no 37 second clip on earth better than this one. Let's be clear, Iron Mike's face tat looks like the image that a blind person's brain would create after you finished describing to them what a blazing rapist seahorse MIGHT look like, if that was a thing...

Roast of Charlie Sheen

For girls, getting a tattoo is basically a way of telling people that you're easier than hating Taylor Lautner, without actually having to say it outloud. For guys it's bascically a way to tell girls with tattoos that you two should bone because you both have tattoos, and that shit is RAD! I admit, I'm guilty of having been in the chair once or twice but pussying out at the last minute because by the time my ass cheek is swabbed with alcohol and prepped for pain, the handful of Bart Simpsons and mind detergent (clearly the best street names for acid) has worn off and it starts to sink in that dancing Grateful Dead bears wearing heather gray J Crew hoodies and giving each other tie-dye golden showers is a horrible idea for a tattoo and isn't the first thing I want my kids to see when I take my pants off at the beach.... YES, I will be encouraging (forcing) my family to attend nude beaches in order to show them that our bodies ARE a wonderland, because by that time John Mayer will be savagely shot (by me), dead, and buried and who else is gonna pass along that golden nugget of uplifting knowledge?

This is literally the Worst tramp stamp I've ever seen.

Are you fucking kidding me? This girl is the Jesus Christ of whores. If whore awards were handed out like the Emmys this girl would win more than 30 Rock and The Sopranos COMBINED. A handlebar tramp stamp? Come on! Not to mention, it's a dicey move for her partners. On the off chance that the guy plugging her doggystyle never learned how to ride a bike, she's gonna have a hell of a skinned knee booboo to deal with when his dick wobbles out of her and he tumbles off the bed. "Hey hunny, I had a fucked up childhood and my dad never taught me how to balance a Huffy. You think you could get some training wheel tats on your ankles?"

The greatest part about this is that she PURPOSELY left off the brakes on these handlebars. As if to say "Never...Stop...Fucking...ME" It's just ridiculous when girls say that anyways. "Um, that's a good idea and all sugar pie, but "never" is a commitment that I don't know if I'm ready for. I'd like to have grandchildren someday. A life sentence in your cooch is about as appealing as a bed and breakfast named "Chez Bin Laden".

But don't let people get you down with the "You're gonna regret that when you're older" bullshit. That logic doesn't stop people from getting married, having kids, taking out a 30 year mortgage, or not getting enough fiber in their diet. So get ya ink, get ya stamps, get ya unicorns, get ya barbed wire, get ya butterflys, because the only thing you're gonna regret when you're older is that you didn't do enough stupid shit when you were younger.