Old Spice: Smell Like A Prick

A slow day in standup has left me scouring the internet aimlessly. My irrelevant travels led me to Old Spice's Youtube page--Yea I know, sometimes boredom sneaks up and taps you on the shoulder and other times it chains you to a Colonial banister and busts a hot grumpy in your mouth. I just had to go on record and say that this is literally the single worst commercial I've ever seen. This commercial is solely responsible for the reason people change the fucking channel DURING commercials. Everyone involved in the production of this thing should be force fed pop rocks and Pepsi until their Swagger smelling asses explode into millions of tiny drops of perspiration.



1. In no way in this jabroni a highly decorated Navy Officer. He has a fucking octopus gnawing on his shoulder. His solution? Punch it repeatedly in the head. Okay, not a bad idea. But it's clearly not working. Anyone who's spent any serious amount of time around the ocean knows that the head punch maneuver is reserved for agressive sharks. I'm pretty confident in my theory that if an octopus latches it's teeth onto you, you're supposed to tickle it's tentacles. For fuck's sake it has 8 of them. You start going coochie-coo on at least 3 of those bad larrys at once and it's bound to drive him crazy enough to unclench. I'm also fairly confident in my theory that an Octopuss doesn't have teeth. Which is the other reason I hate this commercial more than my inability to snake charm my own dick with a piccolo. God, I wish I could do that.

2. Is it weird that from the second he bursts into the house he's speaking directly to a camera man? Which means that there was already a camera man...In the house...Alone...With Captain shit-for-brains' girlfriend (Who is a smokeshow by the by). If I came home and found the ball and chain chillaxing on the couch with a random camera man across from her, I'd assume the worst, shoot her in the cunt and feed her to my STARVING octopuss. Then I'd have said camera man snap a shot or two of me tickling my starving octopuss for my new profile picture on AdultFetishFriendFinder.com. (Sea creature themes usually kill in the female 25-49 demographic.)

The only good that comes of this is that they both drown in gold pieces at the end. Yea, drowning in gold is actually kind of cool. If I had my druthers I would have preferred a private jet carrying Howie Mandel, and Heidi Montag crashed into the house killing all of them at once. But at the end of the day drowning is drowning. I'll take what I can get. The NEW Old Spice Challenge should be trying to make it through this commercial without ripping your fucking hair out.