Jerry Seinfeld's Sweet Tooth

The Crack Up's old pal Jerry Seinfeld stops by to talk about Halloween and his childhood sweetooth. I can definitely fucking relate. I ate sugar like it was going out of style when I was a kid. I was a husky bastard with a penchant for power-scarfing candy bars. They used to call me Fat's 5th Avenue. A playful (purposely hurtful) twist on the department store, where I was caught stealing a $90 Tommy Bahama backpack...To lug my (also stolen) 5th Avenue bars around town in...Instead of taping them to my body like that morbidly obese fucker from Heavyweights. I was broke because I spent all my cheddar (the six dollars to my name) on sweets. Cokeheads blow their money up their nose and I fisted mine down my esophagus.



Halloween is getting ridiculous. Kids are stuffin their fat little faces. rapists and pedophiles are preparing all year long for one night like the goddamn superbowl. Decorations went from innnocent pumpkins to fucking eyeball soup and full on skeletons hanging on front doors. People have lost their minds. But none are more far gone than girls when it comes to picking out their costumes. I know several girls this year going as crayons! You can't make that shit up. A Crayola crayon. I didn't stutter. You're not hearing things. Your eyes don't deceive you. That is just plain English.

Most painfully absurd costume of all time. NO ONE wants to fuck a crayon! If you're gonna be a writing utensil, go with something a little more sophisticated- A Sharpie, a Calligraphy pen, a fucking quill for cryin' out loud. A crayon? That's sloppy. I've heard of thinkin' outside the lines but this is ridiculous. Crayons make you think of elementary school, which makes you think of homework, which makes you think of class, which makes you think of failing. You really want to be walking around a party while every guy stares at you as your outfit reminds him that if he had tried just a little harder in school, he'd be sipping Greyhounds on a hundred foot yacht off the coast of panama instead of cleaning shit and vomit off Nick Jr.'s car seat.

"Hunny, that outfit would look really great in a ball on my floor...But even better inside my daughter's coloring book."