I honestly never thought I'd actually have the sheer pleasure of typing the title to this blog post. They used to ask us in elementary school what we were thankful for each year at Thanksgiving time. The unoriginal bastard that I was, I would always say something lame like family, friends, food, not being born Chinese, but this year I'm so VERY VERY thankful for the person who caught this video of baboon vs. buffoon on their motherfucking Iphone! YES!
Well, this guy is just plain special. What an idiot. Do I love that he's blackout shitfaced at 2pm in the afternoon? Absolutely. Am I pissed that he's at the zoo swimming naked in gorilla piss water instead of straight diddlin' gash at a seedy Brazilian strip club? Absolutely. I didn't even know they sold hard booze at the zoo. Just when you think all they're servin' up is cold fried dough and pigs in a blanket, you got guys gettin' ripshit on Cuervo black in the lion's den. You know that monkey was absolutely loaded after one sip of that guy's alchy bloodstream. Shoving bananas up his girlfriends ass, obnoxiously pounding his chest like king kong, throwin fecal fastballs like he's goddamn Nolan Ryan.
Gotta be the most loosely guarded zoo of all time. Where the hell was security? Feeding the ducks? Which by the way is a clear violation of THEIR OWN STUPID FUCKING POLICY. Really? We can't feed the animals, but the animals are allowed to feed on us now? Seems a little bit ass backwards you zookeeper bitches.
And for the record, I hate that apes are regarded as such intelligent creatures. This dumbshit monkey went straight for the wrist first! What a rookie cannibal move. Every flesh eater knows you start your meal at the thighs or the stomach! That's like walking into a candy store and heading straight for the black licorice - Just plain stupid.
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