Red Hat Purple Dress Society: What the What?

An anonymous source recently brought it to my attention that The Red Hat Purple Dress Society is actually a thing. I would now like a baby grand piano to fall out of a 20th story window landing directly on my head and giving me 100% clean slate memory amnesia, because that's the only way I'll ever be able to un-know that this group exists on planet earth.

"The Red Hat Society (RHS) is a social organization originally founded in 1998 in the United States for women age 50 and beyond, but now open to women of all ages. As of 2011, there were over 40,000 chapters in the United States and 30 other countries. Both Red and Pink Hatters often wear very elaborately decorated hats and attention-getting fashion accessories, such as a feather boa, at the group's get-togethers. The Society's events vary depending on the chapter, but one of the most common pastimes among Red Hatters is attending or hosting a tea party. Other activities, freely chosen and planned by the individual chapters, include crafts, games, theater or cinema trips, music-making (often on kazoos), and various outings."

There's certain times in life where you just find yourself perplexed. Dumbfounded. Mystified. Like the first time you see a sweet set of jugs, or the second you hear about how Rufus the 67 year old, sweet as cherry pie, lovable school bus driver was actually diddling some 4th grade ballsack after school hours in the less than comfortable back left "half seat" of his bus. Finding out there's basically a geriatric mafia rollin' deep from coffee house to antique shop is another one of these times. Just a bunch of dusty hags straight owning The Christmas Tree Shops and Denny's and mean muggin' all over town. They probably have enough combined boob length to circle the earth 4 times. Gravity is a unforgiving cocksucker.

Make no mistake about it - this is a fucking gang. Yeah maybe they're not walkin' around pistol whipping "sucka MC's" and saggin' their Southpole jeans down to their bootstraps, but they all seem to have compatible tastes, they gather in one area, they roam in packs, and for fuck's sake they all dress alike. I don't know what the hell the initiation is, stealing some dentures off your ex-husband's nightstand? Crushing 40 packets of Metamucil and drag racing your Buick LeSabre in an abandoned Caldor parking lot? Is it at all fucked up that I wanna start a Blue Hat Society? Hey, every REAL gang needs a rival.