Cleopatra Was a Floozy - OMG!

Cleopatra was only 12 years old when she took her first lover.

— OMG Facts (@OMGFacts) May 22, 2012

I recently started following this "OMG Facts" Twitter account out of sheer boredom. Most of the nuggets they spew out are fairly run of the mill facts - stuff I've heard before. The human small intestine is 22 feet long! OMG! There once was an octopus who figured out how to short circuit a light in it's own aquarium! OMG! Bruce Springsteen wrote the song Glory Days after visiting an anonymous sex hole in a wall connecting two bathroom stalls in Flynt, Michigan - a phenomenon that would later be dubbed "The Glory Hole".

This fact, however, takes the cake as the weirdest, most random shit they've ever put on there. First of all, it's sexual. OMG facts are NEVER sexual. Second of all, it's just fucking creepy. You're basically telling me that Cleopatra was raped as a 12 year old. I don't think she "took her first lover at 12", sounds like it was the other way around. I can't see anyway this was consensual. I don't think that she was hitting the pyramid pubs, slutting herself out and trolling for pharaoh dick as a 7th grader. What was she pulling a Joey Potter and climbing into King Tut's window at 3AM looking to tombstone some sandy nuts before she even had grass on the infield? No fucking way.

Even if this IS true, who the fuck is the pedophile historian who dug up this little pearl of information? What a mongrel. Isn't there anything else more worthwhile to learn about the egyptians than when they lost their virginity? Like how did they keep their dick and balls safe from desert debris and sandstorms in just a paper thin loincloth? Some jackass is just sitting in the stacks at his public library thumbing through pics of Cleopatra and wankin' it because he just discovered she was sexually active at a young age. Maybe he's not even a pedophile, maybe he just likes morally questionable pre-teen chicks who have a tendency to misbehave. Hey buddy, I heard she snuck her and her friends into an R-rated movie after stealing two fistfuls of Sugar Daddies at the Cairo penny-candy store. Annnnnnnnd....CUMSHOT!