Sure, at first glance this isn't that exciting to most people, but I am absolutely fascinated by this pencil sharpener. Not so much the sharpener itself but what a gigantic waste of time and money it was to build this fucking #2 buzz-saw. Why fuck with something that has already fully reached it's peak potential and wholly met everyone's expectations. The pencil sharpener has already completed it's evolution:
1.
This handheld piece of shit drove me insane in elementary school. So much goddamn effort. It's a better forearm workout than beating off upside down. Just cranking away on the handheld pencil sharpener, that's basically how I spent the better part of my youth. It would take me 10 minutes to get a nice fine point on the thing, then i'd go to write with it and the fucking tip would snap AGAIN. I would just laugh to myself in a diabolically frustrated manner and start banging my head off my desk. Enough to drive a young man to the nearest Shady Acres.
2.
Don't even get me started on this piece of re-heated dogshit. School's decided to hang these disasters on their classroom walls so that 5th graders everywhere could suffer and throw a shoulder out trying to get some graphite to show face. What the hell am I reeling in a tuna? This is Mrs. Edelman's Health class not Bass Pro Shops. You'd have to make that awkward walk to the front of the classroom to sharpen your pencil. Some kids would sit there and milk that thing for a good 4 minutes, anything to keep their ass outta that torture device aka the two in one chair-desk (why the fuck were they welded together? To ensure the utter discomfort of every kid in the universe. As if school didn't already suck enough.) Cranking the handle on that sharpener was harder than bringing up a bucket of water on a 60 foot well pulley.
3.
Then came the holy fucking grail. The pinnacle of office supplies. The mountain top of usefulness and efficiency. The moneyshot of pencil accoutrements. The electric pencil sharpener in all its goddamn glory. The thing was like a Delta turbine. So much power, so much torque, dominating anything in its path with a subpar tip. Straight suckin' up wood like a Kentucky madame. What a fucking delight it was to use. So easy and effortless. I had wet dreams about my electric pencil sharpener where I would slide my dong in the hole, quiver like a penguin, get the thing pregnant and move to a gated community in New Mexico with my weird new family. Then cheat on her with a pencil box, get kicked outta the house for 6 months, sink into a dark depression, lose contact with my little sharpener children, and just when life was at its darkest point, she took me back. She always took me back.
That's the end of the line right there. No need whatsoever to improve on the electric pencil sharpener. It exists, and its awesome, so get your fucking head out of your ass and spend that time curing cancer or something. What are you gonna do, put this new sharpener in a classroom for kids? You'll have 19 severed limbs within the first week. Kids losing fingers by the dozen, walking around fisting each other with their new little hand nubs. Not a pretty sight. Let it be, pal, let it be.
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