Asteroid Will Not Hit Earth in 2040

Yahoo- A new study confirms that a huge asteroid will pass harmlessly by Earth in 28 years. New observations of the asteroid 2011 AG5 now give astronomers complete confidence that the 460–foot-wide (140-meter-wide) space rock won't hit Earth in the year 2040. When it was discovered last year, scientists said that 2011 AG5 had a 1-in-500 chance of impact with our planet. Astronomers solidified the asteroid's harmless status during an observation campaign in October, using the Gemini North telescope in Hawaii. The finding added more support to a NASA study that came to a similar conclusion in June based on months of observations of asteroid 2011 AG5.

The researchers behind the latest study say the asteroid shouldn't get any closer than 550,000 miles (890,000 kilometers) — about twice the distance between Earth and the moon.
"These were extremely difficult observations of a very faint object," the University of Hawaii's Richard Wainscoat, a member of the team of researchers monitoring 2011 AG5, said in a statement. "We were surprised by how easily the Gemini telescope was able to recover such a faint asteroid so low in the sky."

The real underbelly to this story is how fucking bittersweet this news is to the space nerds monitoring this monstrosity. You think they are jazzed about the fact that this thing isn't gonna be a direct hit? Absolutely not. They have gotta be sitting there cranking out Soduku's and knocking back Snapple's just waiting for this thing to make a move toward Earth. The neighborhood watch guy wants to see action. Boxers want to fight. Storm chasers want to literally dive inside a tornado. It's the nature of the beast. No matter what we are doing, we want some excitement. Sure, they look like heroes for delivering the news that we aren't gonna be smashed potatoes come 2040 but I don't buy for a second that a sick part of them wouldn't rather run to the white house and tell the president that this thing is on a direct collision course with mother earth. Scientists love that shit. Independence Day. Armageddon. They tell the highest authority the terrible news and the conversation will go like this:

"How much time do we have?"

"Well judging by the trajectory of the rock, the coordinates at which is currently resides in the spatial atmosphere multiplied by the--"

"Goddamn it man, how much time!??"

"13 hours and counting...sir."

"And then what?"

"And then (gulp) we pray...sir."

Got me thinking, who would be the team I assemble if I had to go to space like Harry Stamper in Armageddon, drill a whole to the core of an asteroid and blow that thing to owl shit. Here's the Fab 4.

1. Jude Law



It's inevitable that someone in the crew will perish on this trip, whether we succeed or not. Seeing as how Jude Law is a douche of the highest degree, I'd have him doing most of the guinea pig shit to keep the rest of us out of harm's way as much as possible. Space ship lands, he's the first one out. Dig the hole, he's the first one in. Hungry? He's the first one to try the freeze dried quiche.

2. King Trident

Tr

Pure power. One fucking zap from that trident of his and that 800 foot hole will be done with ample time to spare. We'll be sitting around with nothing to do for 4 days just drinkin' G&T's and talkin' about girls we fucked in high school. Zero gravity means it doesn't matter if he doesn't have feet, he'll just be floating around like a white bearded boss demolishing alien pussy and wielding that golden rod with the ease of an expert.

3. Mowgli



Kid was literally raised by wolves. That's badass enough to make the cut if you ask me. Killer instincts like a mother fucker. Scrappy. Not afraid to get dirty. Running around in that skimpy loin cloth is all the eye candy Jude will need to get by and shut him up. Plus he's used to living on the "bear necessities" which, let's be honest, is about all we're gonna have in space unless Trident brings all the hookers, blow, protein shakes, and rib-eye steaks that we're secretly all counting on but not comfortable enough with each other yet to feel entitled to.

4. Jessica Simpson



She's large enough to carry heavy objects and stupid enough to not even bother asking too many questions, because she won't understand what we're doing anyway. Also, I need someone to bang. Why aren't I bringing a supermodel, you wonder? Well in the case that we split the rock and save the world, but perish in the process I'm killing two birds. One less fat chick on planet earth and one less absurdly annoying celebrity with an eating disorder. You're all welcome.

This Is The Most Whipped Husband On The Face Of The Earth

I remember thinking to myself when I saw the "home video" of my grandmother getting cataracts surgery - "this is definitely the queasiest I will ever fucking be." Welp, I was dead wrong. This video is sickening. I don't know what the hell this son of a bitch did to his wife to be forever indebted to her/cut his own sack off and present it to her in a jar, but it had to have been horrible. She must have walked in on him and her dad tag teaming her aunt Faye in the chapel bathroom 20 minutes before their wedding. This guy is completely without dignity. I'm not saying being an indentured servant to your wife isn't dignified. Shit, We're all gonna be there eventually. But making it public is INSANE. We all try to hide how whipped we are. Everyone knows the guy who acts like a hard ass on the phone with his chick in front of his friends:

"I fuckin' know the ham could burn if I don't come home to take it out of the oven. I'm not a fuckin' idiot, unlike you. However, I'm at the bar and I'm not ready to leave yet. I'll fuckin' leave when I'm ready to fuckin' leave. It's that simple. GOODBYE."

All his buddies are watching this like "yea, bro, tell that bitch what's up." Forty seconds after the phone call he says he's gonna run over to CVS real quick to grab some gum. Comes back a half hour later smelling like Boar's Head. We're no fools, but kudos for tryin' to hide it.

Making up a song about being a good daddy is pretty much lamer than being a bad daddy. If I was those kids I'd rather have daddy beat me with a shoe horn and put a cigarette out on my knee than make a hip hop song about picking up the dry cleaning. Brutal.

I Hate This Pillow

I'd like to start off by saying fuck this pillow. Now, that being said, fuck this pillow. Furthermore, fuck this pillow.

If you're asking why I hate this pillow so goddamn much it's because it costs $640.00, American. I just popped a blood vessel typing that. I'm outraged. Just doing a little online Christmas shopping for my girlfriend and I stumble across this fucking thing. 640 bones! Moderate sized repairs to the Statue of Liberty don't cost that much. What asshole is actually decorating their couch with a round trip flight to Punta Cana? It's a fucking pillow! You put a bicuspid under a $640.00 pillow, the tooth fairy isn't leaving you a couple singles, she's leaving you an invoice:

"1 pixy travel charge: $62.50
1 pain in the ass window entry fee: $162.00
1 smelly tooth pickup charge: $247.50
Shipping and handling: $22.99
TOTAL: $494.99

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Nice pillow you irrational prick." She knows you've got the loot.

I'm sure it's not even comfortable. It's probably filled with that hard throw pillow filling which I'm pretty sure is just clumps of frozen dog shit. You ever tried to lay your head on a throw pillow? Your body immediately rejects it. Your neck cranes, your feel it in your back, you lay there for a few seconds thinking "maybe it'll just magically get comfortable if I give a minute", then you immediately throw it across the room at the nearest wall, asian, left handed dwarf, or terrorist, depending on where you are. Gimme a regular old $20.00 pillow from Ames and I'm happier than a puppy with two peters. I'm not even cheap but the only thing I'd pay $640.00 for is uppercutting the creator of the $640.00 pillow in the dick.

Woman Raised By Monkeys? Sure, why not.

Daily News – Marina Chapman, a housewife from Bradford in northern England, claims she was kidnapped when she was 5 years old from her childhood home near Cucuta, Colombia, sometime in the 1950s and then abandoned by her captors in the jungle near the Venezuelan border. Her book, “The Girl With No Name: The Incredible True Story of the Girl Raised by Monkeys,” details how she took up with a group of capuchin monkeys and spent the next five years living with them as a pint-sized Jane of the Jungle. She learned to climb trees and caught birds and rabbits with her bare hands, her daughter told Australia’s Sunday Times. “I got bedtime stories about the jungle, as did my sister,” Vanessa James told the newspaper. “We didn’t think it odd — it was just Mum telling her life. So in a way it was nothing special having a mother like that.” Eventually, she was found by a group of hunters, who traded her to a brothel for a parrot. She was later taken in as a maid by a Colombian family, who brought her to Bradford for a business trip in 1977. She met a man named John Chapman, a former church organist and bacteriologist, at a church meeting, and they later married. Her daughters claimed Chapman raised them like little monkeys and kept insects and varmints around the house. “When we wanted food, we’d have to make noises for it,” James said. “All my school friends loved Mum as she was so unusual. She was childlike, too, in many ways.”


This lady has officially seen the Jungle Book one too many times. Sure, Mogley was a vivacious rascal dancing around in his loin cloth, singing the chorus to "bear necessities" on repeat like some kind of homeless broadway phenom, but that's Disney for christ's sake. This is real life, and in real life, monkeys don't know the first fucking thing about parenting. That's why they let their real kids huck their own poop around like some kind of shit shot put event. Negative 55 points in the discipline department.

How did her kids never call bullshit on any of her mularkey during those bedtime stories. If my mom was trying to put me to sleep with tales of her jungle adventures, swinging from branches and catching rabbits with her bare hands I'd absolutely call her a creep and kick her out of my room. "Monkeys, ma? Come on, I'm trying to fucking sleep here, you're scaring the shit out of me. What happened to "Mommy's gonna buy you a mockingbird" not Mommy's gonna catch you a mockingbird and decapitate it with her wooden knife."

I also don't buy that she was found in the jungle by a group of hunters and traded to a whorehouse for a parrot? WHAT the fuck is this lady talking about? I've seen some bad trades in my day but a young naked girl (equal to the value of pure gold in the bartering system) is worth way more than a loud mouthed bird. That's not rocket science. They must have found her, noticed she had 8 or 9 banana peels jammed up her ham wallet and decided that her trade value was intensely compromised:

"I'm not taking those peels out, boss."

"I agree, I can't even make you do it. That's gross. It's like those damned dirty apes used her as some kind of receptacle."

"Let's trade her"

"For what, a hug and stick of Bid Red?"

"A Parrot."

"Annnnnd Now I know now why I hired you!"


PS I made it through this whole thing without an AIDS joke. That's a moral victory.

Guy Gets 6 Years in Prison For Failing to Predict Earthquake

BBC - Six Italian scientists and an ex-government official have been sentenced to six years in prison over the 2009 deadly earthquake in L’Aquila. A regional court found them guilty of multiple manslaughter. Prosecutors said the defendants gave a falsely reassuring statement before the quake, while the defence maintained there was no way to predict major quakes. The 6.3 magnitude quake devastated the city and killed 309 people.

These unfortunate sons of bitches. I mean, failing to predict an earthquake is like failing to predict that the adams apple-less chick you brought home at 2AM has a big swingin' dick in her jeans. How THE HELL were you supposed to see that coming? I always thought earthquakes were virtually impossible to predict, which made them the scariest goddamn natural disaster out there. In the grand scheme of trouble, Earthquakes make hurricanes and tornadoes look like an itchy asshole. Giving these poor bastards 6 years in jail and charging them with manslaughter is a tad aggressive. Weathermen can't even predict their own sneezes, nevermind a fucking quake. Cut these guys some slack. It's not like they knew about the quake and didn't tell anybody. They aren't the chicks from Pretty Little Liars. They weren't walking the streets yelling to strangers:

"I know something you donnnn't knowwwww."

They had no clue, which means they just sucked at their job. Sucking at your job isn't a crime, is it? I know plenty of people that suck at their job. Bobby Valentine, Cee-Lo, Ashton Kutcher, the president. None of those people are rotting in jail.

PS Potential for the reality show of all reality shows if they throw these guys in the same cell. "The shaky 6: This is the story of 6 scientists picked to live in a padded prison cell and have their miserable lives taped. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and things start gettin' shakyyyyy". Just at each other's throats all day.

"James. James. James! Are you fucking listening to me? Can you stop humming that song please."

"What's wrong you don't like Steppenwolf?"

"How's about I steppenwolf your fucking face. You're the reason we're all in here to begin with. You said there's no chance that quake was gonna hit for another 40 years. We all believed you."

"Well let's not re-hash the past."

"I know I'm sorry. I know, we're all in this together."

"Awwww. Did you guys feel that?"

"Another quake?"

"Nope, the love in this room right now."

"I hate you all with the force of a thousand tremors."

Ballsy Nun Caught Stealing 4 Loko and a Beer From Liquor Store: Lawd Have Mercy!

I had a 4 Loko once last year and my heart literally tried to roundhouse kick out of my chest cavity. How the fuck is this 147 year old nun going to enjoy one without some moderate to severe side effects, like say, death. Not even the sweet lord himself can pronounce 3/4 of the ingredients in a can of that alcoholic jet engine fuel. I know Taurine is one of them. Taurine is a substance that just doesn't belong in an old timer's body. It has no purpose there. "Taurine in an old nun" could easily be a substitute for the term "bull in a china shop". Just destroying everything in it's path. It's just a fucking bully walking the hallways or your digestive/organ system. Liver stuffs himself in a locker knowing it's unavoidable anyway. Kidney's just emptying their pockets full of lunch money onto the ground at a single glance. Nerd gall bladder surrendering early and often and showing up to school with a self inflicted atomic wedgie, knowing it's less painful than having it done by Taurine. 4 Loko has a take no prisoners type of mentality, two sips of that stuff and there'd be a collection plate going around for her family at tomorrow's morning mass. Sister Act 4's plot should be a nun smuggles a stolen can of 4 loko into the convent, they all get fucking laminated, break out the holy dildo's and some blow, and get weirder than Tara Reid's tits.

Everyone's up in arms because a nun is stealing. Well, how do you know that the nun costume wasn't boosted as well? She could have broken into a church, robbed a robe or two and used it as a diversion for her bigger picture plan: Robbing a liquor store. Just because she's dressed like a nun doesn't mean she is one. I mean, Ryan Seacrest dresses like a man...

Girl Takes a Dump in The Shower - Dad Serves a Plate Of Cold Justice

Today – No parent truly enjoys cleaning up a child’s poop, especially when it lands outside of the safety of the toilet or a diaper. One dad took his disgust with the dirty work of parenting to the Internet. He had his smiling, pajama-clad daughter, who looks to be about 3, pose for a photo with a sign around her neck that read: “I pooped in the shower and daddy had to clean it up. I hereby sign this as permission to use in my yearbook senior year.” Now the unidentified dad who shamed his daughter for the world to see on Reddit is getting a dose of his own medicine. Thousands of online commenters have weighed in, with many calling him a mean dad who went too far, sapped his daughter’s confidence and violated her privacy. “What a terrible thing to do to a 3-year-old little girl,” Christine Davis wrote on Facebook. “The dad should be ashamed of himself! He should have to wear a sign that says ‘I have no compassion for my daughter.’” “This child WILL be scared for life,” Lisa Rougeux wrote on the Facebook page. “This is going to cause many, many issues in this child’s adult life!! He needs the child removed from his care if there isn’t a woman to teach him to be a real man and father around.”

Pissing in the shower has become second nature to me. It just makes sense. Pee is liquid, therefore it will drain when a drain is present - scientific fact. Shitting in the shower is an entirely different ballgame. It's completely unacceptable, I know it, you know it and this demon child knows it too. Poop is not liquid (that's the dumbest statement I've ever been forced to make) and therefore will not drain. Unless this girl was banking on a runny, liquid dump, then she can't possibly be justified in her actions.

She's not even at the age where she's gonna get a good story out of it. Like when you shit in the shower at 22 years old it's hilarious. You go tell your friends over beers, they might even annoint you with a cool nickname, but not this chick. Her 2nd grade girlfriends won't even know what's going on.

"Hey Caroline, put down your crayons. I have a funny story to tell you."

"Ponies, Ponies!"

"What? Okay, well I shit in my parent's shower this morning. Just cut a turd right on the fucking tiles. It was magnificent."

"Horsies and Bieber!"

"You're not appreciating how fucking golden this story is."

Dad made a great move here. Shaming the shit out of his little girl. I respect it wholeheartedly. I wish to Jesus that we could fast forward to her Senior year of high school and see how this thing shakes out. She'll probably grow up to be a smokeshow parading her ass and tits through the corridors at whereverthefuck High, smashing football players, smoking reds, popular as fuck, and the the day will come. Daddy will go into the archives, dig up the pic and the bribing will begin. He'll be holding that picture over her head for months before graduation. "Take out the trash, or I'll show your friends the shit shame pic." "Go to the grocery store and get your mother some blueberries or I'll expose you for the shower shitter that you are." She'll comply with every demand, knwowing that her popularity lies in the balance. And then, and as soon as she thinks she's in the clear, he'll leak the photo anyway because clearly he's an asshole. But when someone shits in your shower the gloves come off forever.