Bob Marley And The Above Ground Pool

Portland Maine's finest, Bob Marley, sets up shop at the Laugh Factory to talk about his ever illustrious yet unrelentingly embarrassing above ground pool. Above ground pools are fucking hysterical. They're pretty much the Randy Quaid of backyard recreation.

Just a giant eyesore water tank plopped on your front lawn for the world to see? Really?

The best was the ladder, that's composed of about 3 steps, hanging off the side of the thing. The type of ladder that barely qualifies as a ladder. Like the ladders that hang down the sides of Winnebagos and Conversion Vans. One false slip on that bad boy and your plunging three and a quarter feet to a bruised elbow...Extreme conditions, I know.

I wonder if the guy we never hear about, who comes in last place in Olympic swim meets 12 solid seconds behind everyone else, trains in an above ground pool. Imagine that guy swimming in circles with a pink kickboard, while his white trash trainer floats in the middle on a blow up coconut tree, wearing a camouflage, terry cloth robe and sipping jungle juice through his catheter. "Ya nevahhh gonna beat Phelps ya lousy prick. Now come on! Crawl! Crawl! Crawl!"



Let's face it, above ground pools are a poor decision. But there is however, one decision that could prove worse. That, my dearly beloved, is admitting that you would take someone's hard earned parking spot in South Boston, Massachusetts after they shed blood, sweat, booze and tears to dig it out of the molasses-like winter snow.

You're liable to wind up with slashed tires, a broken windshield, missing wipers, or worst of all...A soiled reputation...Who would do such a thing you ask? Who would even possess an ounce of the nerve capable of pulling such an unbridled stunt? Who would have the gall to throw caution, reason, and kindness to the wolves so wrecklessly all for a cozy nook on an otherwise eerie sidewalk? Who would trounce on their own good name with a pair of steel toe boots, ensuring themselves a fiery seat at the head of hell's dinner table? Have a look.

Richard Pryor--PRISON

The LEGEND...Pryor talks about the do's and dont's of visiting the State Pen...Fucking hilarious. Man, I can't imagine doin' hard time in the slammer...I also can't imagine people still call it the slammer. I'm pretty sure no one has slammed a door in prison in 2 decades. Why? Because it's fucking RUDE. Try slamming a door around anyone, convicted murderer or not, you'll be the one feeling guilty afterwards! Where are your goddamn manners?

What's that? They weren't talking about doors? They were talking about lubed up poopshoots? Oh, well that makes sense then...

LAUGH NOW!

Classic Denis Leary--COFFEE!

Love him or hate him, Denis Leary always gives it to you straight. Honest as fuck, and hilarious as sin. The man is a legend. This is a bit from the hysterical 1997 special "Lock n' Load"...

The D man rants and raves about not being able to get a decent, regular flavored cup of coffee anymore. I COMPLETELY AGREE. I walked into a Coffee Bean the other day and the guy ahead of me ordered a large sugarfree nonfat egg nog latte. He paid with his dignity and manhood, and threw his balls in the tip jar...Egg nog latte, get a grip buddy.

And I love how people call it coffee even when IT'S CLEARLY NOT..."Oh, we're goin' on a coffee run do you want do to tag along?" Then they get there and order a fucking tall soy german chocolate dickupyourassachino...Just once I want to turn to them and say "Um, we said we were going on a coffee run. That's not fucking coffee, so you can't have that! Either dump it out and get a large regular or we're going to have some BIG problems. Then put I'd put up my dukes and address them one at a time-- " And if you've got a problem with that you can bring it up with Captain Dark Roast, and Major Dickinson here."

LAUGH NOW!



And enjoy a friendly reminder of what the BEST PART OF WAKIN' UP USED TO BE!
Somebody please explain to me the guy leaving his apartment via the fucking fire escape at the :20 mark...It's absolutely mind boggling...The coffee's so good that he doused his kitchen in gasoline and torched the place? That's the only reasonable explanation.

Brian Regan Dumb Old Donkeys

You literally can't get any funnier than Brian Regan. The guys is PHENOMENAL. He treats dumb old donkeys on the road very poorly, as we all should. I've actually never seen a donkey show, but I imagine the creeps who organize them get a lot of kick back....heyyyoooo...

Brian Scott McFadden Breaks It Down

Brian Scott McFadden is one of the best out there right now. HYSTERICAL. Here he is breaking down the ever elusive question "What do women want?" on Letterman...

He seems to think girls are basically just after a gay football coach...

I think they just want someone to buy them things, carry their bags, and rub their feet...Like a wealthy bell boy podiatrist...

Ladies, good luck finding a WBBP. They're about as common as free blumpkins at Crazy Girls...

LAUGH NOW!

Aziz Ansari - The No Photo Rule Has a Loop Hole

Aziz Ansari comes up with a pretty brilliant plan to deal the "no photo rule" during his shows. Growing up I kinda wish I had had the power to have people arrested for taking pictures of me like celebrities do. I'd have had my whole family thrown in the clinker for makin me do some pretty fucking foolish holiday cards over the years. It would have been Home Alone-esque. Only instead of on an airplane to Paris, my family would be getting neck ink in the prison yard, hustling packs of Marlboro Reds, and converting to Islam.

Ben Gleib at The Hollywood Improv

Ben Gleib is kinda funny. I don't know if he's funny enough to be opening up for Dane Cook on tour right now, but he is anyway, so what the fuck do I know?

Check him out here at the Hollywood Improv. Solid bit, even though he looks like John Mayer with the flu.

LAUGH NOW!!

P.S. Keep scrolling after the vid to enjoy a lovely bonus.

















DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T LIKE IT...

Best/worst fucking video of all time...First 30 seconds of this thing we see a fuck ton of envelopes strewn about the floor.

Why the hell doesn't J.M. ever open his goddamn mail? Is he still worried about the uni-bomber? Maybe stop makin' poop songs and he won't target you, John. Maybe you're nervous that one of those letters is your syphilis test results, John. Maybe you've bagged more stray pussy in this town than animal control...Kudos, John.

Sorely Missed

Greg Giraldo turns in an ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS 5 minutes...The guy was a legend. This is the first in slew of "Monthly Giraldo Tribute" posts...

Terrible tragedy. Hilarious Man.

LAUGH NOW!

Kevin Hart Has Family Issues

Kevin Hart is a very funny dude. He gets mad at his son for acting borderline retarded...I, on the other hand, would love a retarded son one day. Use him as a watch dog. Feed him anything you want. You know he's gonna eat it.

"Daddy, I don't think I'm really cut out for "watch dog" duty. Sleeping outside in January is giving me hypothermic blisters."

"Shut the hell up and eat your four feet of garden hose, boy."

Actually, how retarded can he really be if he knows the word "hypothermic"? Oh fuck, don't tell me I'm the retarded one for not recognizing that my son is a medical genius who could have made us rich...

ENJOY!!!

Brian Regan On Letterman

Brian Regan just released a new Standup album that you can purchase by clicking the link. The guy is hysterical. This is a clip of him bringing the funny on Letterman earlier this year.

Laugh Now!

Louis C.K. Loves Being White

Legend Louis C.K. fills us in on why being a white man is THE ABSOLUTE TITS!

Sometimes I wish I was black. Like when I get out of the shower and look down.

Or when I'm hanging upside down and naked from the monkey bars and look up.

Shouldn't have used "hanging" and "monkey" in this post...

LAUGH NOW!!



Although there are a few MAJOR advantages to being African American.....For Instance....

Whitney Cummings Roasts Hasselhoff's Penis

THE ALWAYS FLIPPIN' HILARIOUS Whitney Cummings at the Roast of David Hasselhoff.

Love isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about W.C. But I will say that I would've traded places with James Franco in "127 Hours", so long as the immovable boulder was her crotch waffle and his hand was my pud.

Too much? Too soon?

ENOY!!

The Roast of David Hasselhoff
Uncensored - Whitney Cummings - Hasselhoff's Penis
www.comedycentral.com
New Whitney Cummings Special Ugly Americans Nick Swardson's Pretend Time

Oh yea, and I don't know if anyone has watched D.H.'s new show on A&E, but the only thing uglier than his daughters were the grades on Caitlin Upton's report card.



Gets me everytime...

Dave Chappelle Shares The Secret Of Life At the Laugh Factory!

Dave Chappelle letting us in on the "Secret" of life--POSITIVE IMAGERY!!! Who would have guessed that it was that simple? Just a little positive imagery to brighten up your day. Well, I'm POSITIVE that I couldn't IMAGINE a bigger crock of shit if I tried.

Thanks to the Laugh Factory, LA for bringing this awesome bit to my attention!

ENJOY!

Jeff Dye Feels Like A Pansy-Ass at Starbucks

Fun Fact: Jeff Dye came up on Last Comic Standing. Oh, and here's another fun fact: He dated model Sara Jean Underwood. What an asshole. But he's hilarious, and we have the same views on Starbucks employees making us feel like wet vaginas everytime we order a drink, so we love him.

LAUGH NOW!

Chappelle and Man Rape at the Laugh Factory

Chappelle talks "man rape" at the Laugh Factory...YES!

ENJOY!

GABE KEA'S BABY ROLLERCOASTER

Gabe Kea turns in The Joke Of The Day, in my humble opinion, on rooftopcomedy.com. He is a very funny bastard who happens to look a lot like Dom Woginowski from Something About Mary. Can you say BONUS!! FAHHCKIN HILARIOUS!

ENJOY!



I don't care what anybody says, The Baby Rollercoaster is a hell of an idea for an amusement park ride. The only way it could improve is if instead of being handed a baby, mid way through the ride YOU TURN INTO a baby and a heavily jugged school teacher appears in your cart for the final descent, or "breast feed alley" as it would be termed. The man-baby who has the most milk in his mouth at the end of the ride gets to keep his new mom as a sex slave...The kicker is YOU have to remain a baby. Who knew so many BIG life decisions would have to be made at SIX FLAGS.

Andy Ritchie Clearly Loves Male Models

The VERY FUNNY Andy Ritchie dishes on the smiles and frowns of ever illustrious male model. I've never understood the need for clothing companies to display their shit on handrail thin men thinking that will help sell. I don't want to see my future shorts on some 90 lb. twiggy bastard. I feel like he's not even modeling, he's wearing that 14 inch turtle neck to keep his filet-of-fish-looking-body warm, and Prada just happened to pop out of a bush and snap a candid. Cruel.

I'd be more apt to buy clothes if you displayed them on something else. Maybe hoist them up a flagpole like "Salute Your Shorts" and let them flap in the wind. You could throw that pocket sized male model on your back and the two of you could climb for your cashmere. That's got shop 'til you drop written all over it. Or at least shop 'til you drop a malnourished ghoul from 80 feet.

LAUGH NOW!!

Patrick Keane and the Potato Famine

Comedian Patrick Keane talks about the potato famine. I mean, yes that was a huge DISASTER. Epic, you might say. But another famine going on at the time went under the radar big time. The Irish pussy famine. With half the population dying of starvation coupled with the already monumental lack of hot Irish girls, it must have been a sexual dry spell like none other.

No girls to bang? No Potatoes to eat? How the hell are you supposed to get your rocks off.

It must have been a Dublin Double Handed Jerkoff Extravaganza. People just lubin' up with all that extra sour cream lying around.

I don't even know if that makes sense.

Steve Byrne - Cupcakes and Ponies

Great bit turned in by the HILARIOUS Steve Byrne. Cupcakes and Ponies off his 2010 Comedy Central Special "The Byrne Identity". Apparently he has a very difficult time believing women when they say "I love you." Understandable.

On the flip side I have a VERY EASY time telling women "I hate you." It really rolls off the tongue nicely.

"No reach-around tonight? I hate you."

"No pancakes for breakfast? I hate you."

"No shoes on in the house? I hate you."

"No beating off on top of the dresser? I hate you."

The only thing girls love more than cupcakes and ponies is a large fountain Coke. I don't get it. It doesn't make sense. But goddamn it, It's true.

LAUGH NOW!!

Dave Thomason

Dave Thomason delves into the wonderous world of Axe Body Spray. Funny fuckin' bit, I gotta say. But I don't understand why everyone hates on Axe.

People think its the epitome of douchebaggery to spray your torso down with this shit. Well, you know what it smells like?...COLOGNE. And people give that fucking gift year in and year out. Cologne is one of the classier products on the market today, and for the past 100 years for that matter. Other than extra-fine authentic gold chest hair plugs, and medeival-quality silver cock rings, I contest there is no classier product that screams "upper echelon" quite like cologne does.

It's the same goddamn thing. So leave us Axe users alone. Sometimes we need a sweet scent in a pinch and Axe aerosol has always been there. Double pits to chesty 4 LIFE...Bitch.

Spray away!