Matt Braunger's Fourth Meal Peaves

Matt Braunger is easily one of my favorite comics working today. He's got it all. Charm, good looks, charisma, money, athletic ability, nice hair...Come to think of it, he doesn't have an ounce of any of that shit...Zilch. But he's FUCKING HILARIOUS and that's all that really matters...At least here at the Crack Up anyways. Here, he exposes Taco Bell for their slanderous lies!

ENJOY!



Taco Bell sets my asshole a blaze everytime I work up the courage to swallow it...Which is 3 times a week...On the low end. Katy Perry wrote her hit "Firework" one night on the shitter after a savory fourth meal. She had already gone through 5 rolls of Charmin by the time the chorus came to her. Taco Bell meat is like Kirstie Alley's cooch covered in Hydroxycut. If you put it in your mouth, you're gonna lose weight the easy way, but you'll never be able to look at yourself in the mirror again. There's only one person who should be allowed to at eat Taco Bell....

Let's face it, this guy can eat wherever he wants...As long as he leaves his flip flops at home. Really buddy? Don't you think we're a little past the point where soaking it is gonna help?

Kids, the lesson here is that T. BELL may be a joke....But GANGRENE ISN'T.

Matt Braunger Hates Dragon Blowjobs

The hilarious Portland, Oregon native Matt Braunger lets us in on what I'm pretty sure is a universally held sentiment--he hates dragon blowjobs. I don't blame him. Sure it would be a little awkward, and potentially lead to insurmountable medical bills, but who's turning down a blowjob...EVER.

It could be from a dragon.

It could be from a Piranha.

It could be from a spewing volcano.

It could be from a goddamn wood chipper.

Just put it on the lowest setting and clench your fists. At the very best you've got a new sex toy, and the next time your g/f won't give you any, you tell her "fuck you then, I'll be in the garage." And at the very worst, you've got penis mulch. You flower beds will have never been more fertile.

Sorry Braunger. You're hilarious, but no one says no to a beej. Whether its from a creepy, toothless broad, or the mythological, fire breathing keeper of the castle.

ENJOY!

Come on! Look at him! It wouldn't be so bad...Her, I mean her.