Jesus Was Married?

Boston Globe, CAMBRIDGE -- A Harvard professor has identified what appears to be a scrap of fourth century Egyptian papyrus that contains the first known explicit reference to Jesus as married, a discovery that could fuel the millennia-old debate about priestly celibacy in the Catholic church.

The fragment, which has been preliminarily authenticated but still must undergo further testing, portrays Jesus as referring to a woman as his legitimate disciple -- most likely his wife, whom the text’s author probably believed to be Mary Magdalene.

The text is not evidence Jesus was married, said the professor, Karen L. King, a historian of early Christianity at Harvard Divinity School, who is scheduled to discuss her discovery at an international gathering of Coptic scholars in Rome on Tuesday. But she said it may cast new light on the history of early Christianity, including the formation of Christian views of celibacy and whether women were members of Jesus’s inner circle, issues still intensely relevant to the Catholic church, which allows only celibate men to be priests.

“The issue has far from gone away,” King said.


The fragment is smaller than a business card, and appears to have been torn from the middle of a page of a codex, or primitive book, written in a southern Egyptian dialect. Its owner, who declines to be identified publicly, does not know where it was found.

It contains just eight broken lines, scrawled in a crude Coptic hand.

The fourth says: “… Jesus said to them, ‘My wife….”

The next line reads: “…she will be able to be my disciple.”


I did a goddamn triple take when I saw the headline for this story, but it all makes sense. Of course J.C. was married. Pounding wine, hangin' out with his bro-ciples on the regular, neglecting haircut appointments because, what's the use, he knows his days of getting pussy are on death row. These are all acts of married men. Doesn't matter if you're Tom Cruise, Jesus Christ, or Joe Blow from Fort Worth Texas, the old ball and chain is gonna get on your last nerve. Often times to the point where you would do anything to get outta the house for a bit, even if it includes going through the headache of trying to feed a thousand people with two fish and two loaves of bread. That sounds like a shitty time...but not shittier than cleaning the gutters and detailing the Volvo.

The poor guy was just trying to stay busy and stay out of the Mrs.'s hair. The last supper was a textbook guy's night out. Although, "healing the blind" is a fairly un-buyable excuse for staying out late. "Oh, Really Mr. Big Shot miracle worker, you're using that one again? What do you think I was born yesterday immaculately? Get in the den and dust the flatscreen. My parents will be here at 7."

P.S. What was Mary thinking anyway? You aren't exactly going to clean up in that divorce toots.

"Jesus, I'm leaving you and I'm taking half of everything."

"Fair enough, here you go."

*hands her one sandal*

Guy Shoots Off His Penis With His New Gun: Fail Hall of Fame

PORT ST. LUCIE, Florida — A teenager is recovering after police say he shot himself in the penis and testicle while cleaning a gun he just bought. Police say 18-year-old Michael Smeriglio first lied to police saying someone shot him while he was walking down the street. After being questioned by police he admitted to accidentally doing it himself. Doctors say the bullet went through his penis, his left testicle and then lodged itself in his thigh. While police were investigating at the home where it happened, they discovered marijuana in the house. That led to the arrest of the homeowner Joseph Lamar James, 22, on drug charges.

"Cleaning a gun he just bought" baffles me. You haven't even used it yet buddy. How dirty could that piece have been? It irritates me, it's a waste of soap and water or whatever the fuck else you use to clean a gun. It's like the people who wash BRAND NEW sheets before they throw them on the bed. I don't get it. Fresh out of the box is fresh out of the box. Unless you took the sheets out, laid them under a donkey with a gag reflex, and stuck a tongue depressor down it's throat then I think you're okay to put those babies on for a week or two before the first wash. Same goes for the Nina.

The problem for this kid now is that he's in an EXTREMELY elite club. The Harvard chess club is LESS exclusive than the "people who have shot their dicks clean off club". It happens like once every 20 years and when it does it's hilarious. Unfortunately, he won't be able to enjoy the comedy the NEXT time this happens to someone else. His buddies will be sitting around laughing about how joe blow from West Virginia accidentally gave his dick a hot lead injection while going down on his sister, and there Joseph Lamar James will be staring at the ground in complete silence, praying to sweet Jesus that the focus of the conversation doesn't shift to him, which it will, because he also happened to shoot his dick which only happens to like 4 people a century. Fuck Wall Street, those are the real 1 percenters. Hanes doesn't make bulletproof briefs Joey boy, gotta be careful with that glock.


But time will pass and soon it will get easier for poor Joseph. He won't be the butt of the jokes anymore, he'll be the tip.

P.S. I can't even imagine explaining this situation to a chick that you're about to hookup with:

*kiss, smooch*

"Why are you stopping?"

"Well, I just think there's something you should know before this goes any further..........So...... like......two years ago.........I shot my dick off......"

Jesus Picture Hack Job

DM - A well-meaning octogenarian has stunned art experts after taking it upon herself to restore a treasured century-old fresco – with distinctly amateurish results. Elias Garcia Martinez’s depiction of Jesus has held pride of place in a Spanish church for more than 120 years. But over the past 18 months moisture in the church caused the fresco to deteriorate – prompting a local woman in her 80s to whip out her paintbrush and try and fix it herself. The elderly woman did not consult the Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza before she set about transforming the once beautiful depiction of Christ into something that now resembles a character from Planet of the Apes. The church is always open to the public and the woman had completed her botched restoration job before anyone noticed what she was doing.

"...a well meaning octgenarian" might as well be German for "a retarded fossil". Sure she was in her mid 80's, but how the hell could she fuck up so badly? I mean, all she had to do was touch ol' J.C. up just a tad and she ended up making him look like Gilbert Grape just got his wisdom teeth out. I've seen some brutal paintings before but this piece of shit belongs on a refrigerator, not in an ancient Spanish place of worship. This chick has gotta be Picasso's great, great granddaughter or something. The piss poor resemblance in their works is way to fucking obvious. All of his stuff looks like he was swallowed by a boa AND THEN decided to take up painting.



Just blatantly bad. You actually have to TRY to paint that badly. Poor Jesus looks like he's in the middle of a heat stroke. I can't tell if he's having a meaningful discussion with his disciples or struggling with his ABC's. I just feel bad for the guy who has to come in now and clean up her mess.

"I'm a fucking world-class painter not a high school art teacher. What the hell do you expect me to do with this? This shit is at the point of no return. You want me to take half this half-Gerard Butler, half cabbage patch kid painting and turn it into Christ? How much are you paying me again? Not enough, apparently. Jesus himself couldn't come down here and perform a miracle big enough to fix this shit."

Is This Man Having Sex With Balloons?

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When Trying To Impress Girls Takes A Turn For The Worst

Daily Mail - A British man is lucky to be alive after jumping off a 60ft-high wooden platform into just 5ft of water in a bid to impress some girls. The wooden platform had been erected to allow local fishermen to spot tuna fish at Kraljeva in Croatia – but was no longer in use. Vedran Bilic, a local man who witnessed the dive, said: ‘He said his name was David Wilson and he was from London, and he boasted to some girls that he could easily dive from the platform. When they laughed at him he climbed up the pole and really did dive.’ The Briton jumped off the tower and plunged clumsily into the water, hitting the surface with a sickening slap. Mr Bilic said: ‘I thought he would be crippled but he swam to the shore and ran off. ‘It must have hurt because he hit the water with a terrific whack as he wasn’t exactly a good diver.’ Indeed, it is his lack of diving skills that probably saved his life. A coastguard spokesman said he would have suffered serious if not fatal injuries had he entered the water head-first. Mr Bilic agreed, adding: ‘It was apparently the mother of all belly flops – it must have really hurt his private parts – but on the other hand if he had hit the water cleanly he would have cracked his head on the bottom and would not have survived. ’Instead it was just his pride that was injured.’

"It was the mother of all belly flops, it must have really hurt his private parts" is just about the best sentence I've ever read. "Hurt" is the understatement of the century. I'm surprised his nads weren't slung from their sack up into his body and shot out of his mouth like a couple of doves released at the grand opening of a national park. Raw genital devastation when this guy hit the water.

We've all done silly shit to impress girls before. I've swallowed a whole thing of Bubble Tape bubble gum to get Mary Kilway's attention (that was 6 years ago, which means in a year it will finally be fully digested, so I got that goin' for me). I've taken my Huffy off ramps that Travis fucking Pastrana would call certified death traps. I can't count how many carnival games I've failed at trying to win a 40 pound pink bear the size of my father. But I've never done something this ridiculous. Humpty Dumpty suffered less injuries than this clown. And Since when did jumping from suicidal heights become a panty dropper? What the hell did he think he was going to accomplish on the off chance that he nailed a perfect swan dive? They probably would have called him gay and left. It's a lose-lose. 1) You fuck up the jump and belly flop, you're in a full body cast getting spoon fed Dannon Light and Fit's, sipping penicillin from a helmet straw. 2) You light it up with an effortless, splash-free falcon dive, the chicks yell "nice dive homo, how did Greg Louganis's balls taste after he taught you that one?"

You want it impress a chick, then go out and do it the old fashion way like everyone else...Put spinners on your Accord, throw on an Affliction shirt and tell her her tits look "money". Putty in your hand...

Creepo Puppeteer wants to eat children...Oh, but first he wants to rape them. Solid guy.

DM – A children’s entertainer is alleged to have confessed to wanting to rape, kill and then eat a child. Ronald Brown made the horrific confession to a pedophile as they talked about what they would like to do with young children. The 57-year-old, who worked as a puppeteer, lusted after young children and spoke about his fantasy of killing and cooking the body parts of a young boy in an online chat room. According to an arrest affidavit Brown said he would like to tie the child up, store him in a closet and then eat him at Easter. He describes in graphic detail what he would do to the boy, how he would cut him up and says: ‘He would make a fine Easter feast.’ In another chat, Brown allegedly remarked how great summer time is because the children in his Florida neighborhood are ‘almost naked.’ In another thread, Brown remarked about how his ‘mouth watered’ while looking at a female toddler.

Shame on you Ronald Brown, you greedy little bastard. You can't have your cake and eat it to - sorry. You want to entertain, rape, kill AND eat a little boy? The nerve on this guy. Really upgrading to the Premium Gold Pedophile Package there Ronnie huh? Hittin' for the cycle. The whole kit n' kaboodle. Some just don't know when to be happy with what they've got. Putting on a puppet show, sodomizing, and then snuffing him out isn't gonna quench ol' Ron's thirst? Nope. He's gotta throw Timmy on the non-stick Foreman grill, and pair him nicely with some jasmine cous-cous? What a freak.

How the fuck are people still surprised when a puppet master plows a third grader? Why are cops waiting for puppeteer's to make a move on a kid before arresting them. The fact that they are a fucking PUPPETEER isn't enough? Like, what the hell else do you think they are doing, just putting on straight up, legitimate puppet shows, packing their shit up, going home to a beautiful wife and 3 kids, throwing a few logs on the fire and watching Miracle on 34th Street? Fuck no. They're taking kids backstage and playing the skin flute on their lower backs. We should be locking up puppeteer's all over the place just based on profession. Saying a puppeteer isn't hosting diddle-power-hour after parties is like saying Mario and Luigi weren't bangin' each other after their daily trips to Coin Star.

Here's a question I've pondered for a while, can puppeteers have sex with no strings attached?

*slaps knee, takes shot of Jack, keels over*

Guy Jumps Out Of Speeding Car To Escape His Nagging Girlfriend

MADISON, Wis. - A 34-year-old man was taken to a hospital after jumping out of a moving car early Tuesday morning because he couldn’t stand bickering with his girlfriend any longer. Police said the man had taken his girlfriend out for her birthday Monday night, but as they drove home in the back of a friend’s car, he said he had it with bickering with his girlfriend. The couple evidently spent much of the birthday night in a dispute over a possible move to another state, according to a Madison Police Department incident report. Police said the man couldn’t stand it any longer and wanted to get out immediately, so instead of waiting for the car to stop, he opened a rear passenger door and stepped out, or fell out, onto busy East Washington Avenue about 1 a.m. Tuesday. The victim hit his head while tumbling from the moving vehicle in the 3200 block of East Washington Avenue and was taken to a hospital with a brain bleed.

The only way this story gets any better is if the boyfriend was actually driving the car - careening toward a cliff at a 75 mile an hour clip AND THEN jumped out. Sure he's picking up a few more bumps and bruises, but a broken collarbone and a few lacerations is a small price to pay to put that nagging blood hound out to pasture.

We all get in fights with our significant others, but it's the way we react to the situation that separates the stiffs from the legends. Some guys yell and scream, and decide to fight the un-winnable uphill battle that is a girlfriend dispute- STIFFS. And then you have this fine young gentleman who LITERALLY takes the low road and jumps out of a speeding vehicle- LEGEND. This son of a bitch was literally ready to throw his life on the line to get away from the fire breathing sorceress who, at that moment, was fucking up his life in the worst way possible. He thought to himself:

"Holy shit shut up. Holy shit shut up. Holy shit shut up. Wait a second! That's right! Jeremy took the child locks off this piece of shit two weeks ago. I'm poppin' that door open and fuckin' jumping. Sure, I may not make it, but I'd rather die in silence than live with this motor-mouthed set of tits. I'll just scream "well here goes nothin!" and then jump...Wait, wait. I can't have my last words be "well here goes nothin'". If I'm gonna potentially die on the side of the road in the next thirty seconds I gotta go out with some motherfucking sparkle. Something witty. Something to remember me by. Something awesome...

*opens car door*

"YOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"